Vent

It's 6:30 in the morning and I should be finishing up getting ready for work. I've never had the issue before where I felt like I just might not be able to handle facing the day. Work is (as sad it sounds) my number one priority and often one of the only reasons I get out of be in the mornings. At least when I work I have some thing engrossing to throw myself into and not have to think.

But today, I'm feeling very out of sorts, very out of control (and I hate not being in control), and I just don't know if I'm going to be able to keep it together well enough. I'm at a breaking point I never dreamed I'd reach, one where I don't think I can pretend to be ok for other peoples benefit. 

I can't stand this paranoid feeling that life is trying to get me down. I feel like my body is betraying me and I am limited in what I can do to fix it. My doctor is being pretty stubborn and frankly very cold at the idea that I may have been misdiagnosed. I came to her over 3 weeks ago, telling her that my mood was getting worse and more erratic and I'm hoping to seeking new answers and help to get me through this and I have heard nothing back. 

I wish I felt like I could turn to any of my friends for help, but in all honesty, not one of them knows the whole story. Depending on what I feel like I need to omit, each one of my support circle gets various details that make up part of the whole, and I just need one person to tell every thing to without the fear of hurting them or being judged. I want some one to hear me and tell me it's all right. 

Fuck, I'm all over the place right now. This feels really bad.