All day, I have gone between wanting to throwing a tantrum and just plopping down to sob. And it's killing me: why am I like this? I'm trying not to beat myself up over the way I feel, but this is getting ridiculous. How do so many people just live their lives free of the insane roller coaster of emotions?
I hate this feeling of self-pity, but it just doesn't seem fair that this chemical imbalance is part of the hand I was dealt in life. It's bad enough that I am prone make thoroughly stupid decisions, it's bad enough that I struggle constantly to maintain a lifestyle that allows me to feed and shelter myself while still having some social activity, and it's bad enough I have to this all on my own. I don't need this affliction ruling over my emotions and making all the little things seems that much worse.
I sit quietly in the file room of my office and ask myself: "What is different about today than yesterday?" The answer, of course, is nothing. Yesterday, I was still in debt, I was still single, and I was still feeling way like I was in way over my head with the choices I've been making regarding the people surrounding me. Yesterday, I could laugh about it because I was at peace with all of these things, and today I simply am not.
Often, I feel as though I am two entirely different people. There's the me I loath to be, and the me I love and want to be all the time. I know they are essentially the same person, it's just that one of them reacts a little more sanely to outside stimuli. I am perfectly aware that every one has their ups and downs... I would just like to be one of those who handles them like normal person.
Every now and again, I feel like I've almost got "it", that balance I that I need in order to feel sane. But then in a flash, it escapes me and the negativity comes washing over me again. With it comes the feeling of not being able to catch a break, accompanied by a hopeless which is in no way conducive to my well-being.
I know in my heart that life is a journey of lessons and when it's all done, I will have become the "me" I was meant to be - my Higher Self, if you will. In my head, my Higher Self is already very much like me. She is loving, crazy, compassionate, extreme, generous, funny, jealous, wise. The main difference between her and I is that she is finally at peace with all of herself and her surroundings. I cling to the hope I will one day soon become this Higher and Best version of Me, all the good things and the not-so-good finally in harmony.
But on days like today, even with that beacon of hope shining ahead, I wonder if I have the strength to ever get there.
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